I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you didnt know i had herpes?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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