Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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