My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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