the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
