I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
