Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
