How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize