I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
