so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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