we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
