I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize