just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
