Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
