Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
