I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
