if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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