Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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