Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
