You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
worst night to have a conscience
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
