I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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