Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
