hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
