Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
