I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
