I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize