So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
