I'm so fucking centered right now
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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