I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
