Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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