please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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