So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
