fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
well I can't set my house on fire every night
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
