we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
