apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
