Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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