yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
