She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
