I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
