i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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