I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
