Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Oh god it's open bar.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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