Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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