I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize