Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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