i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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