Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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