he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i drank out of a bidet.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
