dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Randomize
