I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
