Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
