I love black thongs
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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