You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
