You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
