i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
