you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
