Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
